Oh, Mother! Where art thou?

I have distinct memories from childhood of daydreaming of my future life as a wife and mother. I am quite sure I would have not believed anyone had they told me I would be single, entirely single, and childless, amongst other things, at the age of 38. I have not given up hope of becoming a wife, but science says that my window for motherhood is shrinking.

Despite all of that, it would be hard for anyone to convince me that I would ever contrive any doubts of becoming a mother. Shocking as it is (because children are my life – personally and professionally), I recently found myself skeptical about motherhood. I had felt fear rise in my spirit about raising a child in the 21st century. I have never ever had any apprehension about being a mother. I recently had a good friend tell me that she cannot wait until I am a mother as she watched me with my infant Goddaughter. I cringed and tried to ignore her. She repeated herself. I mumbled a response and possibly sighed, she said, “I’m serious!” Interestingly enough, my eyes and ears have been opened in a new way. Watching my children in my classroom struggle at ages four and five with seemingly adult issues such as anxiety and gender norms, I have found myself wondering how their parents handle these issues. Then I asked myself how I would handle these issues as a parent. I felt a sense of pity and curiosity. There are so many influences and factors that shape us from such an early age! Information I have always known but never related to my future as a parent.

So for the 1st time ever in life, I am not quite sure if I want children. Before these thoughts, these doubts, I was confident in my upbringing and my faith. My parents are not perfect, but I appreciate all they have poured into me and instilled in me. I am confident in the God in me to lead and guide me in my decisions. But even with all of this faith and confidence, I have doubts or questions as to what I will do, how successful I will or if I will crumble. I am beginning to think or resolve into my role as aunt and Godmother as being enough for me. Only God knows.

Give love. Get love. And love those your with!